Tuesday, February 16, 2010

discouragement and random questions...

Today I have been discouraged.  I try not to regret things in life.  I know there is a reason for everything and I know that God has a plan.  There are just times when I have to stop and wonder if I had tried a little harder or pushed a little further ... how would that have changed things?  When I sit back and look at the big picture, I realize these things I'm striving for are not really worth all of my stress.  Jobs and titles are definitely not everything.  I know that.  Money and status doesn't bring a person happiness.  So true.  I realize that I still have time to do the things I want to do and if I don't accomplish all I set out in my mind, it's not the end of the world.  It's just that the fast approaching big 3-0 is upon me, and it scares the hell out of me!  No kidding! 

Thirty just seems like this place where I was supposed to have accomplished so much.  I was supposed to have that 2.5 kids and a master's degree and a great house and really feel like I have things together.  But who says?!?  Where on earth did I get this idea that things were supposed to turn out that way?  I really have no idea.  It's just something I've always told myself.  Something I started telling myself at 22, when 30 seemed like it would never arrive and my biggest stresser was if the boy I liked would call me that night.  

 There are so many things in my life that I am thankful for and I can not regret one single thing I have done, because it has brought me so many blessings, mainly my husband and my daughter.  I just can't help but wonder sometimes, when I see people moving on all around me and I feel like I am just stagnant, what else I am supposed to do?  Am I supposed to just be a mom and a wife?  (Not that I take those titles lightly.)  Am I supposed to be a teacher?  Am I supposed to be a nurse or a social worker or a chef or a cake decorator?  Am I supposed to be a nanny or a maid?  Who the heck am I?  And how many other people are feeling this way?  How many other people approach 30  having no idea which direction their life is headed?  

All I know is that I'm ready to move on... I've outgrown my job.  We've outgrown our house.  I have serious baby fever!  It's just time to get the ball rolling in a new direction.  We are trying... but sometimes... on this journey into the great unknown... life can be discouraging.  Today was just one of those days.  

On a lighter note... Candace from twiggie makes has posted some questions as a little "get to know each other" session and I thought I'd take a crack at them... :-)  

Here we go...  

1. What would you call yourself if you could choose your own name?  
I really like my own name.  I know that's boring, but I can't think of one I like better.  

2. What was your worst date (as in going out on a date, not an actual calendar date...unless you have a really bad one to share)?  
I went out with this guy when I lived in NYC.  He was so awkward.  Uncomfortable conversation, kept answering his phone during dinner.  After dinner we went for a walk (we happened to be in Chinatown) and we passed an open air fish market and he said he was feeling nauseous because of the smell...  poor guy ended up throwing up all over the sidewalk.  It was just sad.  That was pretty much the end of the evening.  

3.  If you had to teach one subject in high school or college, what would it be?  
I think it would be fun to teach home-ec.  Do they still have that in school? 

4.  When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?  
Probably sometime at work.  My students do ridiculous things sometimes and there are some coworkers that just tell stories in such a way that will make me pee my pants!  :-) 

5.  What is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for you?  
It's really difficult to think of something that was the absolute kindest thing... but I do have a story... When I was still dating my husband and we had been together for only a few months, a friend of his/ours had a birthday party.  Well, I ended up getting really sick at the party and both my husband (then boyfriend) and his friend (the one who was having the party!) took care of me.  Rhyan gave me new clothes to wear.  Andrew held back my hair as I threw up.  Oh... it was terrible... but people who can love you through that kind of thing... that's true love!  

6.  If money or skill-set was no issue, what would you love to do for a living?  
I'd love to be a pastry chef or a cake decorator.  

7.  What is one thing as an adult/parent/spouse you do that you swore you never would do?  
I swore I'd never let my kid watch TV more than 30 minutes a day or something crazy.  I am bad and I let Caroline watch WAY more TV than she should.  ooops! 

8.  If you could go back to one particular time in your life (not to live, not to change anything, just to visit) when would it be?  
I'd go back to my senior year of high school.  I remember that being a fun time.  I'd just like to see who I was then.   

9.  If your walls could talk, what would they say about you (good & bad)?  
They would say, "you need to stop wearing those maternity yoga pants, Erin!  Your kid is 3 for cryin' out loud!"

10.  If you could fix or put an end to one problem in the world what would it be?  
To find a cure/cause for Autism.  


Candace said...

okay, there is nothing wrong w/ wearing maternity yoga pants when you're not pregnant. that is all i will say about that. oh, & as another approaching-30-gal, i certainly don't have it all figured out & find myself feeling stagnant from time to time. you are not alone!!

thanks for taking the time to fill out my questions!

Hannah said...

Hey Erin!

I have thought many times about what I am supposed to do in life, and so I started my business. It is great and all, but I really think that I need to be content doing what I am doing- being a wife and a Mom. Afterall, I love it- it fits! So I decided that yes, I would love to be a lactation consultant, or a midwife or a raw food chef, but really, I just want to be a Mom. I need to be present with my now instead of caught up in the future and the shoulda, woulda, coulda's.
I realize that may be easy for me to say- I am a sahm mom, we have a house with lots of room to grow into and I am happy with where we are (in most respects) in our lives. If we were still in our old townhouse, the story would likely be very different!
Anyways, all that to say, I hear you! Ask God to give you a spirit of contentedness and peace with whatever life presents you with. And I really hope that God provides you the desires of your heart!
Love you!!!

Elizabeth Heyerdahl said...

I think Hannah hit the nail on the head - bloom where you're planted and try to be present in the now. That's good advice and something I wish I had done in my 30s.

That doesn't mean you ever stop dreaming! You just have to find that balance between being present and content with where you are and making plans and continuing to dream for the future. Heck, I'm 40+ now and I'm STILL dreaming about stuff I plan on doing! It never stops - the trick is to find that balance. That can be very hard to do and that' what we have friends and family for - to remind us of what we do have and what's really important :)

Amanda said...

I miss reading your blogs....you will have to start it up again when you can :)

Katy said...

I can't begin to tell you how similar we think and how I felt as though I was reading though my own blog.

I've been in the position of this post so many times in my life and have thought the same exact things. I expected to be married at 24, with children at 28. Here I am at 30, still searching for it all.

Hold on lady...your new purpose will come to you soon and those feelings will pass.

Your newest follower, Katy

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Lucy said...

Hey Erin! Very compliments to you blog, it's very interesting and sweet

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